Nobody Wants to Watch That 5-Minute Long Video on Your Phone

I say this with absolute confidence.

If you’re thinking, “But!  But!” then you’re one of the offenders and nobody has had the heart to tell you.

So here it is:  Put the phone down and back away slowly.

I was recently minding my own business (for a change), walking down the hall while mentally humming “Staying Alive” (because that’s the only way to strut and make it look natural), when I was accosted by someone who said those words everybody dreads:

“Oh my god, you have to see this video.  It’s so crazy!”

Then they made me watch a five minute long video of their cousin’s wedding reception where nothing – and I mean absolutely nothing – of interest happened.  I could feel my ankles swelling, that’s how long I was standing there.

Let’s be 100% crystal clear here.  I can only fake my way through so many utterances of, “Oh, wow!  That’s crazy!” before I start to feel cheap and and ashamed and lose respect for myself.

I say this as a person who didn’t even start to lose respect for herself all those years in the 90s when I would get free CDs from bands by sticking their CD to my bare midriff and then undulating like a belly dancer without the CD falling off, so the bar is already pretty low.

I say this as a person who didn’t feel cheap when she used to wear a thrift store polyester orange hot pants romper to festival concerts and tell young men to refer to me as “Tangerine Dreamy”.

I say this as someone whose best friend kicked someone out of the way so that I could grab Kip Winger’s bass pick off the floor at a Winger concert and then I waved it around like it was Simba in the Lion King.  No shame felt.  Not an ounce.

I somehow – somehow – made it to the end of the wedding reception video while, sadly, unsuccessfully trying to dive into a nearby potted plant.

giphy (3)
Almost fit.

Not wanting to tempt fate, the moment it was over I started to lightly jog away from this person.  I figured it would be worth the asthma attack if I could actually get away from them. If they couldn’t tell how desperate I was to get away during the first video, who knew what else they had in store for me?

Which is why this person then said:

“Hang on, before you go, let me see if I can pull the video up from the bachelorette party!”

Oh god, no.  NOOOOOOOOOOOO.  If I wanted to watch a video of a bunch of skanks I’ve never met, and will never meet, standing on top of a banquette at some nightclub that can best be described as “Axe Body Spray in The Form of a Building” wearing iridescent fake wieners as unicorn horns, satin sashes that says “Slut Number One” and “Slut Number Two” and badly twerking to “Blurred Lines”, I would go to the nearest swingers club next to a Trump rally that just let out.

Now, if you happen to have that YouTube video on your phone of that super fat cat who busts out the side of that shoe box with his big body, I’m game for that.  Anytime.  That video is literally two seconds long AND it also features a cat with a fat body, which will never, ever get old for me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, their health, blah blah, pets shouldn’t be overweight LEMME SQUOZE THAT FAT CAT BODY.

Sometimes I stare off into space, thinking about all the fat cat bodies out there, and trying to figure out how I can arrange my life in such a way that I can make a living out of squozing them.  This is America, in the year of 2019.  Anything is supposed to be possible.

If I were a millennial, I would ask you to donate money to me for to reach this goal, but I’m a Gen-Xer, so I prefer to just complain about it and take little to no action.

Mz. Mannerz: The Cow in The Parking Lot

Oh man!  It’s time for another edition of Mz. Mannerz!  Drop that Crunchwrap Supreme, put on some pants for heaven’s sake, and let’s DO THIS THING!

One of the things I’ve come to terms with through my personal studies in anger management is that people rarely get out of bed in the morning and say, “What can I do to go out of my way to really annoy people today?”

That sort of malicious attitude is rare, unless we’re talking about Justin Bieber, Justin Bieber, or Justin Bieber’s face.

I try to live my life in a proactive manner, so I figure it’s better to read up on anger management before a court orders me to do so.  Some books are better than others, but I recently read a great book on the topic called The Cow in The Parking Lot by Leonard Scheff and Susan Edmiston.  It did a really great job of re-framing the annoying things people do – the things that make me nearly implode with rage every day.  I highly recommend it if you’re a pissy little so-and-so.  It’s completely changed my perspective.

I mean, I still get angry when someone makes me wait with my engine idling while they spend three minutes backing into a parking space when it would have taken ten seconds if they just parked front-in, but I don’t let it ruin my day anymore.

Most of the time.

It’s hard to live in a state of outrage your entire life and then just quit cold-turkey.

Most people are just bumming around, doing whatever they do and not even thinking about it.  Like cows in a parking lot.  If you saw a cow doing any of the annoying things that people do, you’d probably be tickled by it and say, “Oh man!  Check out that cow!  Isn’t that hilarious?”

People aren’t going out of their way to do things to personally annoy you.  They’re just doing them and not even really realizing it.

To that end, I’ve compiled the list below, outlining some of these annoying things that people may not “realize” that they’re doing.  You know, as a “courtesy”.  To let them “know”.

For”

“their”

“information”.

And please – feel free to add to it in the comments.  There are tons of things I left out.  Keep it light, you filthy beasts.  I have no desire to argue foreign policy.  As it is, for the past three years I haven’t been able to turn on the news without having to take a tranquilizer and breathe into a paper bag.

Here we go!

a.  Tapping your foot on a clackety floor, tapping a pencil on a desk, tapping your 80s acrylic porno nails on a counter, or tapping any other thing on a tappy surface.  I know a person who does this – sometimes for hours on-end – while I’m ten feet away trying to dissect complicated contracts, and it destroys my concentration and makes me want to scream and/or dig a hole and lie in it.  I have literally broken into a cold sweat and had to leave the room, it’s that disruptive.

b.  Bum-rushing an elevator door to get in the moment the door opens, and then acting surprised that someone is coming out of the elevator as you slam directly into them.  “Oh!  Sorry!”  Do you honestly think that there’s NO CHANCE somebody might be getting out of that elevator?

c.  Along those lines, walking down a crowded sidewalk, going at the same speed at everyone else, and then stopping dead in your tracks so that everyone behind you slams into each other.  Bonus points if you do this on a staircase in an airport or a subway, where people are also carrying large objects and trying to get somewhere in a timely fashion.

d.  Leaving someone a voicemail that says, “Oh!  Looks like I missed you.  I’ll try you back in a little while!”  Do you have any idea the amount of time and steps and button-pushing and secret codes and shit I have to dial into my phone in order to check my voicemail, only to receive a message that says you’ll try me again later?  The only voicemail worth leaving is, “The police know.  You need to pack up that chatty parrot of yours and leave town NOW.”

e.  Walking into a restroom with ten empty stalls, and then taking the one directly next to mine.  Don’t YOU enjoy personal space? I know I certainly do.  Choose ANY OTHER STALL besides the one directly next to a person – especially if there are ten open stalls.  It reminds me of every time I go to the beach and there’s nobody for miles, and right after I set my stuff up, the most irritating people on the planet come walking down the sand and plop their piles of stuff down six inches away from me.  Go sit ANYWHERE that’s not six inches away from me.  You have a mile of open beach, for god’s sake.

f.  The fact that I can’t go to the movies in 2019 without people talking at full volume in the theater is mind-boggling to me.  Mind-boggling.  I wish theaters would replace their polite “Please be respectful of others by not talking during the movie” with something waaaaay more blatant.  Something like, “If you talk in the movie – which has NEVER been an okay thing to do – it means you are a jerkface dillhole and everyone in here will hate your guts until the end of time, so shut up.  No, really, we’re not kidding here.  It’s two hours.  Watch the movie and SHUT UP.”

g.  Pushing a shopping cart in a forward motion while having your head turned completely the other way.  Do you think the store is so large, so vast, so vacant, that’s there’s no possibility that you’ll hit someone with your cart because you’re not watching where you’re going?  Same for rounding corners with your cart at 80mph and acting surprised that there’s someone on the other side when you almost mow them down.

“But Mz. Mannerz!  I didn’t know that was annoying!”

WELL NOW YOU DO.

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If you’re the kind of person who enjoys the warm feeling of superiority when someone gets a trivia question about The Love Boat wrong, have an ax to grind with people who describe themselves as “bubbly”, or are just looking for newer and better ways to pretend you’re working while you’re at work, click the “Follow” button on the side here and you’ll get an email any time I post something on this godforsaken blog, usually about once a week.  Sometimes it’s twice a week, but only when I’m feeling particularly sassy and/or have run out of chicken fingers dipping sauce options.

It’s one of my personal favorites and I’d like to dedicate it to a young man who doesn’t think he’s seen anything good today.” – Ferris Bueller