Oh man! It’s time for another edition of Mz. Mannerz! Drop that Crunchwrap Supreme, put on some pants for heaven’s sake, and let’s DO THIS THING!
One of the things I’ve come to terms with through my personal studies in anger management is that people rarely get out of bed in the morning and say, “What can I do to go out of my way to really annoy people today?”
That sort of malicious attitude is rare, unless we’re talking about Justin Bieber, Justin Bieber, or Justin Bieber’s face.
I try to live my life in a proactive manner, so I figure it’s better to read up on anger management before a court orders me to do so. Some books are better than others, but I recently read a great book on the topic called The Cow in The Parking Lot by Leonard Scheff and Susan Edmiston. It did a really great job of re-framing the annoying things people do – the things that make me nearly implode with rage every day. I highly recommend it if you’re a pissy little so-and-so. It’s completely changed my perspective.
I mean, I still get angry when someone makes me wait with my engine idling while they spend three minutes backing into a parking space when it would have taken ten seconds if they just parked front-in, but I don’t let it ruin my day anymore.
Most of the time.
It’s hard to live in a state of outrage your entire life and then just quit cold-turkey.
Most people are just bumming around, doing whatever they do and not even thinking about it. Like cows in a parking lot. If you saw a cow doing any of the annoying things that people do, you’d probably be tickled by it and say, “Oh man! Check out that cow! Isn’t that hilarious?”
People aren’t going out of their way to do things to personally annoy you. They’re just doing them and not even really realizing it.
To that end, I’ve compiled the list below, outlining some of these annoying things that people may not “realize” that they’re doing. You know, as a “courtesy”. To let them “know”.
And please – feel free to add to it in the comments. There are tons of things I left out. Keep it light, you filthy beasts. I have no desire to argue foreign policy. As it is, for the past three years I haven’t been able to turn on the news without having to take a tranquilizer and breathe into a paper bag.
Here we go!
a. Tapping your foot on a clackety floor, tapping a pencil on a desk, tapping your 80s acrylic porno nails on a counter, or tapping any other thing on a tappy surface. I know a person who does this – sometimes for hours on-end – while I’m ten feet away trying to dissect complicated contracts, and it destroys my concentration and makes me want to scream and/or dig a hole and lie in it. I have literally broken into a cold sweat and had to leave the room, it’s that disruptive.
b. Bum-rushing an elevator door to get in the moment the door opens, and then acting surprised that someone is coming out of the elevator as you slam directly into them. “Oh! Sorry!” Do you honestly think that there’s NO CHANCE somebody might be getting out of that elevator?
c. Along those lines, walking down a crowded sidewalk, going at the same speed at everyone else, and then stopping dead in your tracks so that everyone behind you slams into each other. Bonus points if you do this on a staircase in an airport or a subway, where people are also carrying large objects and trying to get somewhere in a timely fashion.
d. Leaving someone a voicemail that says, “Oh! Looks like I missed you. I’ll try you back in a little while!” Do you have any idea the amount of time and steps and button-pushing and secret codes and shit I have to dial into my phone in order to check my voicemail, only to receive a message that says you’ll try me again later? The only voicemail worth leaving is, “The police know. You need to pack up that chatty parrot of yours and leave town NOW.”
e. Walking into a restroom with ten empty stalls, and then taking the one directly next to mine. Don’t YOU enjoy personal space? I know I certainly do. Choose ANY OTHER STALL besides the one directly next to a person – especially if there are ten open stalls. It reminds me of every time I go to the beach and there’s nobody for miles, and right after I set my stuff up, the most irritating people on the planet come walking down the sand and plop their piles of stuff down six inches away from me. Go sit ANYWHERE that’s not six inches away from me. You have a mile of open beach, for god’s sake.
f. The fact that I can’t go to the movies in 2019 without people talking at full volume in the theater is mind-boggling to me. Mind-boggling. I wish theaters would replace their polite “Please be respectful of others by not talking during the movie” with something waaaaay more blatant. Something like, “If you talk in the movie – which has NEVER been an okay thing to do – it means you are a jerkface dillhole and everyone in here will hate your guts until the end of time, so shut up. No, really, we’re not kidding here. It’s two hours. Watch the movie and SHUT UP.”
g. Pushing a shopping cart in a forward motion while having your head turned completely the other way. Do you think the store is so large, so vast, so vacant, that’s there’s no possibility that you’ll hit someone with your cart because you’re not watching where you’re going? Same for rounding corners with your cart at 80mph and acting surprised that there’s someone on the other side when you almost mow them down.
“But Mz. Mannerz! I didn’t know that was annoying!”
WELL NOW YOU DO.
If you’re the kind of person who enjoys the warm feeling of superiority when someone gets a trivia question about The Love Boat wrong, have an ax to grind with people who describe themselves as “bubbly”, or are just looking for newer and better ways to pretend you’re working while you’re at work, click the “Follow” button on the side here and you’ll get an email any time I post something on this godforsaken blog, usually about once a week. Sometimes it’s twice a week, but only when I’m feeling particularly sassy and/or have run out of chicken fingers dipping sauce options.
“It’s one of my personal favorites and I’d like to dedicate it to a young man who doesn’t think he’s seen anything good today.” – Ferris Bueller