Nobody Wants to Watch That 5-Minute Long Video on Your Phone

I say this with absolute confidence.

If you’re thinking, “But!  But!” then you’re one of the offenders and nobody has had the heart to tell you.

So here it is:  Put the phone down and back away slowly.

I was recently minding my own business (for a change), walking down the hall while mentally humming “Staying Alive” (because that’s the only way to strut and make it look natural), when I was accosted by someone who said those words everybody dreads:

“Oh my god, you have to see this video.  It’s so crazy!”

Then they made me watch a five minute long video of their cousin’s wedding reception where nothing – and I mean absolutely nothing – of interest happened.  I could feel my ankles swelling, that’s how long I was standing there.

Let’s be 100% crystal clear here.  I can only fake my way through so many utterances of, “Oh, wow!  That’s crazy!” before I start to feel cheap and and ashamed and lose respect for myself.

I say this as a person who didn’t even start to lose respect for herself all those years in the 90s when I would get free CDs from bands by sticking their CD to my bare midriff and then undulating like a belly dancer without the CD falling off, so the bar is already pretty low.

I say this as a person who didn’t feel cheap when she used to wear a thrift store polyester orange hot pants romper to festival concerts and tell young men to refer to me as “Tangerine Dreamy”.

I say this as someone whose best friend kicked someone out of the way so that I could grab Kip Winger’s bass pick off the floor at a Winger concert and then I waved it around like it was Simba in the Lion King.  No shame felt.  Not an ounce.

I somehow – somehow – made it to the end of the wedding reception video while, sadly, unsuccessfully trying to dive into a nearby potted plant.

giphy (3)
Almost fit.

Not wanting to tempt fate, the moment it was over I started to lightly jog away from this person.  I figured it would be worth the asthma attack if I could actually get away from them. If they couldn’t tell how desperate I was to get away during the first video, who knew what else they had in store for me?

Which is why this person then said:

“Hang on, before you go, let me see if I can pull the video up from the bachelorette party!”

Oh god, no.  NOOOOOOOOOOOO.  If I wanted to watch a video of a bunch of skanks I’ve never met, and will never meet, standing on top of a banquette at some nightclub that can best be described as “Axe Body Spray in The Form of a Building” wearing iridescent fake wieners as unicorn horns, satin sashes that says “Slut Number One” and “Slut Number Two” and badly twerking to “Blurred Lines”, I would go to the nearest swingers club next to a Trump rally that just let out.

Now, if you happen to have that YouTube video on your phone of that super fat cat who busts out the side of that shoe box with his big body, I’m game for that.  Anytime.  That video is literally two seconds long AND it also features a cat with a fat body, which will never, ever get old for me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, their health, blah blah, pets shouldn’t be overweight LEMME SQUOZE THAT FAT CAT BODY.

Sometimes I stare off into space, thinking about all the fat cat bodies out there, and trying to figure out how I can arrange my life in such a way that I can make a living out of squozing them.  This is America, in the year of 2019.  Anything is supposed to be possible.

If I were a millennial, I would ask you to donate money to me for to reach this goal, but I’m a Gen-Xer, so I prefer to just complain about it and take little to no action.

43 thoughts on “Nobody Wants to Watch That 5-Minute Long Video on Your Phone

  1. OMG Kip WInger, Gen-Xer…..Maggs!! You have to be my long, very long lost sister!!! I can relate to literally everything you said. Okay maybe not the belly dancing CD or Kip Winger pic diving incident. But everything else, yes.

    Why don’t people at work just leave us alone? I hate to be pulled aside by my director (which happened yesterday) to show me pictures of her grandson (like I know this kid better than my own) and how he’s dressed for “crazy hair day” at his daycare. I’m like WHAT THE FUCK AND WHY ME?!?!?! For an entire 20 mins she scrolled through he phone showing me picture after picture of this kid with a plastic shark stapled to his head (okay I don’t know if it was stapled) and his blonde hair colored all kids of blues and greens to make it look like his hair were waves in the ocean.

    All the while I’m thinking and looking around for a letter opener or something sharp to kill her with….ugh…

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh GOD. I would have leapt off a balcony. I can never figure out with those people, whether they’re just so dense that they can’t tell you how much nobody cares about the 500 pictures on their phone, or if they can see that nobody is interested, and they just don’t care and are going to subject you to it anyway.

      I will look at one picture on someone’s phone. ONE. I’ve actually faked a stomach cramp to get away from the worst phone oversharer in my office.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Oh Dear God THIS CONTAINS TOO MANY TRUTHS for one post. Is there a Pulitzer Prize for making me laugh until I cry and pee myself? There should be. The world would be a better place. Another 100 gold stars for you Maggie!

    Liked by 5 people

    1. Glad I could provide some morning laughs – I needed a few myself! Someday I’ll become a morning person. Not today, though. Probably not tomorrow, either. Or any other day in the foreseeable or unforeseeable future.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s horrible! I haven’t had that one happen yet – fingers crossed! I’ve had friends send me links to videos that are like 20 minutes long in the middle of the workday and I just stopped responding to them on those links. 👿

      Liked by 1 person

    2. Yes, this! I hate listening to information when I can read like three times as fast as they talk. No transcript? Not interested.

      When I watch youtube videos I put them on twice speed just so I don’t pull my hair out. To be fair, they’re art videos which can be boring, so speeding it up lets me learn what they do without growing moss.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. The long, blathering YouTube video is the worst! I had to watch a YouTube video on replacing a gasket on a toilet last month (glamorous life here) and I think I fast-forwarded through 90% of it. The actual repair took maybe 2 minutes at the most, but the hemming and hawing and meandering took 20 minutes!

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  3. HA! #ChonkyCatsRule Also every bachelorette/wedding/partyyoucarenothingabout video should automatically be converted into a 3-second gif.
    I was just thinking about this subject since one of my jobs is captioning videos and I want to tell these people LOOK IF YOU WANT YOUR WORDS TRANSCRIBED WE HAVE TO BE ABLE TO ACTUALLY HEAR THEM ONE AT A FREAKING TIME AND NOT 12 PEOPLE ALL AT ONCE IN VARYING DEGREES OF VOLUME AND MUMBLETYMURMURS TALKING OVER EACH OTHER.
    Also? those “fun family videos” with your kids doing “cute stuff” and “having adventures”…
    JUST. NO.
    STOP IT.
    NOT CUTE.
    NOT FUN.
    STOP.
    IT.
    RIGHT.
    NOW.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hahaha!! So true! I’m all for a short, cute video, but if it’s just a kid standing stock-still at a petting zoo next to a goat for five minutes, I’ll pass. Now if the goat does something interesting, or is chonky like a fat cat, that’s another story entirely.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. I had to sit through a five minute Nicholas Cage compilation with a bunch of howling coworkers once. For my money, it was five minutes too long. It’s actually what made me start looking for another job. Sadly, I am still surrounded by idiots. Mostly.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Spot on, lady.
    I do not want to see the baby picture. You know the one. It involves a stretchy headband with a giant fake flower attached. No, I don’t want to wait for you to scroll through all one hundred twenty seven to find the one that I will “really like” where her head is tilted an additional two centimeters to the left.
    Perhaps it should be acceptable to wrestle the phone from the offending individual and bash them in the forehead with it.
    Wait. On second thought, never mind.
    “Have I shown you the picture of my concussion? It was the most purple bruise ever. Hang on. Just let me find it.”

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You’re killing me here, I’m laughing so hard!
      What is it with that giant flower headband?? The baby doesn’t give a rat’s ass about accessorizing, and it’s probably cutting off the blood flow to its developing brain! Why are people SO WEIRD??

      Like

  6. Maybe it’s different for guys, but the last time anyone shared a video with me it was a porn video. And it has been awhile. Guess I’m just lucky. Or maybe it’s the “you make me watch that Ima fuck you up bad” look that I keep handy for just such occasions.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Most excellent! I shall be disappointed if you tell me you can no longer belly dance with a cd on your midriff… that’s got to be a worth a free drink or two on Saturday night.
    But oh, I hear you on the wedding videos. The only thing worse? When our neighbor, who had just become a mother for the first time, invited a group of us over for dinner. Dessert was watching the video of her child’s birth. Kill me now.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh no no no no no no no times infinity! How did you sit through it?? That’s one of those moments where I like to think that I’d say something like, “Not interested in staring long into your cooter, but thanks!” but I’d probably just end up sitting in terrified silence.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. The end made me laugh: “If I were a millennial, I would ask you to donate money to me for to reach this goal, but I’m a Gen-Xer, so I prefer to just complain about it and take little to no action.” Yessss, that’s us Gen-Xers; at least we don’t want your cash, though.

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    1. These kids with their Kickstarters and GoFundMe campaigns – it’s nuts. I saw one where a 20-something was asking for donations so that she could treat herself to a spa day because she was “stressed out”. And people gave her money! Whatever happened to just sitting around and complaining about your stress until you die? That’s how we do it Gen-X style!

      Like

  9. Well Maggie, I’m from those dreadful “Boomer” days, so I have nothing on your X’ers and Y’ers – I do accept we are revolting on a whole other level though. However, we do have something in common, cat and dog videos – it’s a yes from me. I would also never show you videos of my grandies, my parties, especially those containing pic’s of Uncle Walter opening a pickle jar with his one remaining tooth! Or, god help me, videos of (anyone) giving birth. What is wrong with people?

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Oh my gosh! Reason #564 that I am glad I do not work in an office with other people. I admit though that this babysitting gig is sucking big time lately. Parents are crazy. Babies are messy . . . wait I HAVE to send you a video of this one baby, you just won’t believe it.

    Psyche!!!

    Seriously I feel bad for bringing actual photos of my baby nephew (because there were no phones) to my real job back in the day 25 yrs ago. I was young. I apologize to all who were subjected to that nonsense.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Uncle Walter AKA Uncle Wally, was somewhat of a character. He really did only have one tooth, and he smiled and laughed a lot (amidst coughing from the 2 pack a day habit), He was the most hilarious of my many rellies. He was so much fun to be around. If there were dogs they were most likely to be greyhounds or whippets, although granny had an alsation called Bruce. Animals eh, so much better than people.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. 100% this. I don’t want to look at anything at all on your phone honestly, but videos are the WORST.

    Now, by contrast, there is a video I love of a very fat kitty named Cinderblock grudgingly walking on a water treadmill thingie. THAT I will watch all day long.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think I watched the Cinderblock video ten times the first day. Then ten the next. And so on and so forth. That one little paw on the treadmill, with the meowing – I can’t take it! He’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.

      Like

  13. So.much.truth. Because while I’m like “oh sorry in-a-rush-and-can’t-slow-down” they’re all “seriously, you’ll die!” and I’m thinking no, I’ll just WANT to die while I’m stuck in some video hell and my brain cells run screaming from my head. If I had to rank godawful “let me show you” hijackings they’d go something like stupid TikTok videos (though at least those are limited), home improvement projects, your best friend’s twerking debut, your kid’s piano recital, and ANYTHING requiring me to exclaim “oh wow!” repeatedly. Just no.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I feel like “Oh wow!” should be understood as universal code for, “Please stop making me look at this video, photo collection, etc. I am going to have a panic attack if you don’t let me walk away right now.”

      Like

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