Pajama Man and Toilet Swiffer Woman: A Guide to Living

I was at the local fancy produce market one afternoon, pretending to be fancy knowing all the while that I grew up strictly on canned vegetables that were cranked up to a boil, when a man wearing a dirty t-shirt, plaid flannel pajama pants, and bedroom slippers walked past me on his way to the herbs.  You know, like it was a normal thing he was doing:  inspecting the sage, rosemary, and thyme in his jam-jams.

A grown man.  In public.  In pajamas.

It reminded me of a certain woman who works on the same floor as me at my conservative office building.  A certain woman who wears big, fuzzy bedroom slippers from her office all the way down the shared corridor and into the public restroom.

If you check under the stall to see if one’s available, you’ll often see her big, fuzzy bedroom slippers right there, two inches from the public toilet.

I mean, you have to hand it to her.  This is such a great way to pick up all of the stuff that’s lurking on a public restroom floor and track it everywhere afterwards like the freaking E-Coli-ster Bunny.  It’s like a one-stop-shop for all your bacteria needs!

I’ve taken to calling her “Toilet Swiffer Woman”.  If you need to call the CDC on her and they ask for a description, just say that she’s a brunette, about 5’6″, 130 pounds, and has public toilet germs crawling all over her fuzzy-wuzzies.

To be fair, I’m sure those slippers probably come in real handy for when you need to do lab experiments on the fly at your desk and don’t have a bucket of deadly pathogens nearby.  Just take off your Toilet Swiffer slippers and give ‘em a shake over that petri dish and finally get to the bottom of that Cholera problem!  Easy peasy!

Which reminds me.  If we’re talking about describing something that’s easy, it’s easier to just say the word “easy”.  You can feel free to leave off the “peasy”.

And I’ll tell you what you can definitely leave off:  “Lemon squeezy”.

I swear to Maude the next time I hear someone say, “Easy peasy lemon squeezy!” I will not be held responsible for my actions.  JUST SAY “EASY”.

I tried to give Toilet Swiffer Woman the benefit of the doubt the first time I saw her – maybe she was just breaking in a new pair of terrible high heels and her feet were all sliced up or something.  At least some attempt at a reason.

Nope.

She wears those Toilet Swiffer slippers every single day – and I saw her regular shoes one day when she was leaving the building and they were ADORABLE fancy designer leopard-print ballet flats.  They were so cute I wanted to knock her down in the parking lot and steal them off her feet, until I remembered that she spends most of the day ankle-deep in fuzzy poop-germ incubators.

Pajama Man and Toilet Swiffer Woman are just a small sampling of the much larger problem at hand here.  I can’t tell you how many people I see out in daily life wearing pajamas and bedroom slippers in public, and I’m here to tell you something about it.

I’m tired of this hoozle-dizzle, people.

Put on some real clothes.

Your public pajamas are a far too visible sign that the fabric of society is unraveling.  Like I need a reminder!  And those pajamas are probably filthy, too, because who the hell washes pajamas every time they wear them?  Maniacs?!  I once wore a Nirvana tour shirt as a pajama top for two months straight without washing it, until my skin oils actually ate through the fabric like moths.  I will out-lazy and out-filth you in private any day of the week, so don’t even try me.

I don’t care if you’re “But I’m cooooomfortable!!!” in your pajamas.  I own plenty of articles of clothing that are really, super soft and comfortable, that are also not actual pajamas.

I’m not saying go put on a suit.  I’m not advocating for the reintroduction of hoop skirts and steel-boned corsets.  Pinchy-waistbands can 100% go eat a wiener, as can those pointy-toed, narrow shoes that feel like actual torture devices.  By all means.  Be comfortable.  Just put on something that’s not pajamas if you’re going to engage in daily public life.

We live in a society, you bedtime fashion derelict.  Get it together.

And don’t even get me started on people who take their shoes off on an airplane and then put their BARE FEET on things.  I was on a plane last year and turned around to find the woman behind me had taken off her shoes and wrapped her toes around my armrest like the paw on a clawfoot tub and it took everything I had to not ask the pilot to re-route us directly into the sun.

31 thoughts on “Pajama Man and Toilet Swiffer Woman: A Guide to Living

  1. May I just say…eeewww. It was bad enough at the beginning with the pajamas and slippers, but bare toes wrapped around your arm rest? That’s grounds for interflight homicide right there.
    And as for easy peasy? If you don’t like lemon squeezy, you’d hate a friend of my husband’s who says easy peasy Japanesey. Because yeah, that’s totally PC.
    🙄

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh good lord I would push that person into an elevator shaft and not look back. I bet they probably laugh every time they say it, too.

      I’m of the opinion that 9 out of 10 people are clinically “super gross” and some are just better at hiding it than others. I’m surprised the entire planet has been taken over by foot fungus.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Why are people SO WEIRD? I’ve heard about people doing this on airplanes, too, and I’m fascinated by it. I don’t even clip my toenails in front of my husband, I think it’s that personal/gross an activity.

        Liked by 2 people

  2. My tendency on old “airplane toes” would have been to accidentally placed the pointy part of my elbow onto said toes and ground it in. Of course I would then excuse myself because I didn’t realize I had done such a thing having not expected toes on an armrest.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh sister do I have stories about peeps and the things they wear out in public! And I agree with you, come the fuck on people don’t wear your PJ’s out in public, and unless your a college student (which doesn’t give them exclusivity on pajama wearing) you shouldn’t wear PJ’s out of your house! Or women of all ages who wear pajamas and fucking Ugg boots even in the middle of fucking summer!!! But people who take off their shoes on a plane that’s juts nasty. Okay not as nasty as Fluffy Slipper Swiffer woman, that’s grosser than gross, ugh I wonder if she even washes her hands post toilet use? Bleh!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I go out of my way to stare at her Toilet Swiffers every time I see her. Like I’m boring a hole through them with my eyes. I wish I could work up the courage to say, “Wow! Your feet must be really warm in those fluffy slippers that you wear to the public toilet! Toasty, even!”

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Outlet hogs should be arrested by airport security. It’s too bad you couldn’t walk up to her with a full-size microwave or old school big box TV in your arms and say, “Excuse me, but I’m going to need one of those outlets,” and then wait for an answer.

      Like

  4. I will admit to going outside, once, in my pajamas. I was rescuing my tea/coffee/stevia plants in a torrential down pour that had filled their pots and was pouring over the sides.

    On the bright side, it’s highly unlikely anyone saw me do it.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Omg people, leave your goddamn shoes on during flights! Gah!! I was on a plane last week and the chick across the aisle from me had slipped off her shoes and was RUBBING HER FEET BACK AND FORTH ON THE CARPET. I swear I almost needed a barf bag.

    I do have slippers under my desk at work, because Seattle = rain = wet cold feet, but those slippers are only to be worn while seated at my desk and they have actual hard soles like normal slip-on shoes.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m completely grossed out by that whole fluffy slipper thing. And there should be No pj’s in public – no question, just no. I once had a really tall guy moved to the seat behind me on a plane. He removed his shoes immediately, and stuck them under my seat – they came right through and out the front and the smell was just awful. I don’t remember where I was going but I spent the journey kicking his feet out of the way of where my feet should rightfully have been. People, I tell ya.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. If someone had done that to my airplane seat, I would have vomited on her foot. The slippers are gross, but bare feet on stuff is way worse. I was once sitting on the train next to a woman who took off her shoes and the smell was so bad I had to ask the conductor to change my seat. People can be so gross!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I wish there were public service announcements on TV once an hour, every hour, that said, “Your bare feet are disgusting. Please shield the public from them, you filthy monster.” I think this would have to help, right? I mean, it couldn’t hurt!

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Totally understandable, I’m right there with you. I also work in a Pluto office. I’m currently typing this with a wool sweater wrapped around my lower half, pants, a jacket, a scarf, and a rechargeable hand-warmer in my hands.

      In South Florida.

      I hate cold offices.

      Liked by 1 person

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