Mz. Mannerz: Hi Seems To Be The Hardest Word

Time for another exciting edition of Mz. Mannerz!

Hi.

Who would have thought such a little word could inspire so much rage?  I mean, I would have thought that, but I fly into rage over someone misquoting lines from Caddyshack, so I’m a bad gauge of what’s rage-worthy.  You should probably talk to someone who doesn’t have a vein semi-permanently bulging out of their forehead if you want calm and well-thought out commentary on the matter.

I mean, goddamn it.  If you’re not gonna get the quote from the movie right, then don’t quote it.  You can’t just replace Bill Murray’s line “Big hitter, the Lama” with “The Lama is a big hitter” because you will have ruined the line.  RUINED IT.

As I will pontificate to anyone who will listen while I eat pizza:  Comedy is as much science as it is art.  Maybe more, even.  The order of the words counts.  Every word, change of tone, inflection, eyelid movement – it all counts.  It is 100,000 times more complex than drama, and I will stand by that until the day I die eating pizza.

Drama is so freaking easy, it annoys me to no end how much credit people get for it.  Oh no, they killed that character everybody liked and it was sad!  A lone tear falls from a sad British person’s face.  Cue violin music as people make stern facial expressions under overcast skies.  Black umbrellas.  HERE’S YOUR OSCAR.

Sad shit happens in real life all day, every day.  Making a movie about sad shit where the main take is, “That was sad!” is not the work of genius.  That’s just long-winded reality with a soundtrack.

You try killing off a character everybody likes and making it funny.  Craft a touching death scene to kazoo music.  Shoot Old Yeller with one of those guns that just unfurls a banner that says “Bang!” yet still preserve the integrity of the scene.  That shit is hard.  That shit takes finesse.  Watch “The Adventures of Priscilla: Queen of The Desert” for further reference.

Where was I?

The person who texts you with the word “Hi” followed by nothing is the most obnoxious person in the universe (besides guitar players, which I try to cover in every other blog post.  Try to keep up).

What this person has done with their lone “Hi” is start a conversation with you by immediately forcing you into an awkward silence, thereby drafting you to be the person who remedies it.  They’re not being folksy with their “Hi”, they have given you a J-O-B.

My whole life, I’ve had this desperate need to fill the awkward silences in conversations to make sure everyone is having a good time.  You might better recognize it as, “Good lord, you never shut up, do you?” but your better class of swap-shop psychologists would call it “codependency”.  I always try to have at least three universally interesting topics on-hand just in case an awkward silence happens.  I literally cannot take it when people seem uncomfortable.  It makes my palms sweat and my heart race.

The person who just sends “Hi” is the same person who when you respond with:

“Hey, what’s up?”

Will respond with “Nothing!” and then continue to sit there in silence.

GIVE ME SOMETHING TO WORK WITH.  Why did you text me if you have jack jimmy squat to say???

Did you just want me to entertain you?  Because if that’s the case, feel free to say that right up front.  “I’m bored and I can’t find any way to amuse myself, can you tell me a knock knock joke?”

Hey, schedule-permitting, I would be fine to tell you a knock knock joke.

Schedule-permitting.

Also, my schedule does not permit that ever, so if you want to be a wisenheimer and text me and say, “I’m bored and I can’t find any way to amuse myself, can you tell me a knock knock joke?” your text will be deleted and you will be immediately put on “The List”.

Is “The List” a good list or a bad list?

You tell me.  Do you think something that I refer to as “The List” is a good thing?  Take a moment.  Really think that over while you look at my prom picture:

20190220_084551
It was a magical  night.

I’m not filling awkward silences anymore.  If you text me a “Hi” followed by jack jimmy squat, guess what you’re getting back?  Jack.  Jimmy.  Squat.

I will wait you out, joke-a-cola.  I will let that “Hi” lie there like a corpse if I have to.  I refuse to participate in your senseless games.  I won’t do it.  The ball-rolling is now your job.

Unless a full ten seconds go by, and then my palms will start sweating and I’ll tell you about that time my best friend Anne and I went on a date with five Moroccan contortionists and fire-eaters at Epcot when we were 19 and when I called my mother beforehand to brag about it, she yelled, “DON’T YOU MARRY ANY OF THEM! THOSE MOROCCANS TREAT THEIR WIVES LIKE PROPERTY!” because that shit is universally entertaining.

So!  To summarize:

  1.  Don’t quote the movie if you don’t actually know the quote.
  2.  Comedy is harder than drama.
  3.  There should ideally be a give-and-take in successful human communications.
  4.  Don’t tell my mother that you’re going on a date with Moroccan fire-eaters and contortionists.
20190807_083627
That Mighty Mighty Bosstones t-shirt I’m wearing never failed to attract inordinately flexible Northwest Africans.

57 thoughts on “Mz. Mannerz: Hi Seems To Be The Hardest Word

    1. That’s amazing. They couldn’t even muster up an emoji? 🙂 I had a stalker ex who used to text me the thumbs-up emoji randomly, I assume for the same reason. So I blocked his number and burned down his house. Okay, maybe just the first part.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. That is one of my pet peeves (the thumbs up) and an insult as far as I’m concerned.
        It’s like they acknowledge your text but don’t wanna converse in any way or they find you a bit boring. I usually respond with a big Fuck You.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Yes to ALL 50 of your main points!! Theater people KNOW, drama is easy, comedy is TERRIFYING. Also the awkward silence——————————————————————————-dear God, shoot me now.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Haha, comedy is harder than drama. But for some people drama comes naturally. Also I too loath people who only text “Hi”. What the hell are you trying to say? Or worse yet, I know of at least one person who texts…….text bubbles, not words just simply and empty text bubble! Like what the fuck am I supposed to do with that? Am I suppose to GUESS what you want to say? Ugh so annoying. I love your suggestion of crafting a shootout scene to kazoo music, that would be epic. Oh wait, didn’t Mel Brooks do that already? lol

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Omg I hate the random “hi”. HATE. People do that shit on instant messenger at work too and what it really means is “I want something but I’m going to engage you with nothing but this useless pleasantry so that you have no choice but to respond to me and only THEN will I ask you for the thing that I want because it will force you to stop what you’re doing and tend to my needs immediately which is why I’m IMing rather than sending you an email like a normal person who allows you to respond as time permits”.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. For a moment I thought you were making up the 5 Moroccan fire eaters…. but then the picture! I should have known. 🤣
    But you’re right… Hi! is not a complete message in any way, shape or form.
    Hi! …what? “Hi! I’m in town, do you want to have lunch?” is quite different from “Hi, I’m being held hostage by 5 Moroccan fire eaters, send help.”
    Don’t make me guess what you want. That’s just rude.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I took a million pictures of my misspent youth as well…. then when I got married, I temporarily stored them in my MIL’s attic. Which of course sprung a roof leak and water damaged them. My FIL threw out boxes and boxes of my albums without me knowing. Good bye youth.
        😰

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Oh my god I would have lost it! That is so awful.
        I actually keep mine in a waterproof bag, I’m so paranoid about anything happening to them! The Polaroids still don’t seem to be handling the aging process very well, though. Thankfully most were 35mm.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I’ve often thought of scanning all my pics into my ‘puter…… then I look at the stacks and stacks and albums scattered around our house and think, I won’t live that long. God bless digital!

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Many of your posts remind me of Britchy from Bitchininthekitchen.org
        She and her best friend, nicknamed Titselina Bumsqueak, got into some weird shit, too.

        I always return fire with another “Hi.” It’s their shuttlecock…not mine.

        We comedy-line purists…yeah…I have this knee-jerk, bell’s palsy-type reaction. I get the same way with mispronounced everyday words. “Egads, man! You are destroying the King’s English!”

        Liked by 1 person

      5. I’ll have to check out Britchy – definitely sounds like something I’d be into!

        A misquoted line from a comedy film totally makes me knee-jerk twitchy. I have to usually just walk away unless I want to end up getting arrested.

        Like

      6. Exactly why I do in my “mature age.” You can not make the shit up that randomly happens in my life. If I do not use comedy as a relief I know I would be carrying a gun or better yet~
        Punch a bitch in the throat.
        I would not want them to NOT live with the pain needed inflicted upon them.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Back when I had a pay as you go flip phone (sadly, not as long ago as you might think), I hated it when people texted me back ‘k’. Totally unnecessary. That ‘k’ cost me $! Sometimes a conversation just needs to end. I realize this is a separate issue than the plain ‘hi’ but I don’t think I have ever gotten a text of solo ‘hi’. I did used to get emails from a woman that ended the subject wirh ‘. . .’ Just tell me whay you need. No cliff hanger necessary. Ex: email subject: play date . . .

    For the love of God just give me the details- you are not that interesting. I will never get excited to see an email from you so quit with the dot dot dot.

    People are dumb.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I can’t stop laughing at “For the love of God just give me the details – you are not that interesting.” It’s like when someone tries to be coy with information that you don’t give a rat’s ass about. That’s the worst!

      Like

  6. “Dying is easy. Comedy is hard.” A paraphrase of what allegedly were the last words of Edmund Gwenn, the actor who played Kris Kringle in Miracle on 34th Street, in response to a friend’s sympathetic “this must be very difficult for you.”
    Would love to know what a guy capable of such a snappy comeback while on his deathbed would have texted in response to “Hi.” If they had cellphones in 1959. My response to “hi” would be “You must be. You spelled it wrong.”

    Liked by 1 person

  7. i have started to answer phone calls with questions that often cause the caller to pause. My favorite: “Dave – if that’s you, you’re a dead man.” No one knows what to do after that, but if the guy is named Dave – he hangs up. If the same number calls back, I change it up a little with “I know Robin Williams is dead, but he was proof that comedians could do comedy but dramatic actors can’t do comedy. Just like Barbra Streisand couldn’t do disco.”

    Liked by 1 person

  8. My word, it’s been too long since I’ve wandered this way since I’m crying — actually CRYING — with the gut wrenching funnies. Moroccan contortionists is solid life advice, though, and will be passed along to the offspring as such.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Always glad to provide the funnies! 🙂 Lord knows me and my BFF sit back and laugh over this stuff all these years later and can’t believe we survived all the crazy stuff we used to get into back then!

      Like

  9. Um. Yes. Comedy is art and drama is just stabbing someone with life. (I may be biased because I write comedy and have never, ever, ever enjoyed straight-drama). (I thought about that sentence and realised you could read ‘straight drama’ as plain, non-funny, non-horror, non-spicy, non-anything drama, or you could read it as hetero drama). (I’ve thought about it some more and I’ve decided I’m fine with either interpretation because although I meant it more in the first way, hetero drama is particularly boring because all variations have been done to death and if I HAD to watch drama in either straight or queer flavours, but I got to choose which, I would hands down pick queer every time).

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Isn’t that the worst, when you’re enjoying a comedy and then the “conflict” is introduced and it’s just a “Will they break up or stay together???” for the second half of the movie? We all know Brad and Michelle are getting back together. We’ve seen it a million times before!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I really want to see more healthy couples in drama. I mean, if you have that much relationship conflict, it’s probably the right decision for everyone to pull the plug. Often in long, drawn out, messy relationships I start shipping a breakup instead of a relationship and end up really disappointed.

        Liked by 1 person

  10. I answer Hi with a thumbs up. Also, number 3–I work with someone who is incapable of the give and take:
    Me: Oh hi, how are you?
    Ignorant person: Fine.
    I’ve started responding with “Me? Oh, I’m fine too.” Eventually, I will add the sarcastic “Thank you for asking.”

    Liked by 1 person

  11. When my friend told her family she was marrying long term boyfriend Marco, her Mother started weeping – ‘Oh no, not a Continental’, God Bless the broad minded 80’s 🙂 Ever since then we always refer to him as The Continental!

    Liked by 1 person

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