Due to all the inbreeding, malnutrition, curses put on me by junior varsity football players and whatnot, I have what they call in the orthodonture world a “jacked-up grill”.

Tip for the people of the British Isles, roundabout 250 years ago when my ancestors were still farting around there:  Find people to bang who aren’t your siblings.

Nobody’s saying hands-off the second cousins, but maybe lay off the first cousins for a few generations, at least until the teeth start looking human.  Oh, and a couple hundred years later when someone wants to put fluoride in the drinking water?  LET THEM DO IT.

The top teeth are mostly okay, but the bottom look sort of like those sticks they put up around the wall in Game of Thrones to keep the White Walkers out.  While this setup may be useful for impaling the rotting, re-animated corpses that are coming to destroy your world, it doesn’t do much for the ol’ self-esteem when someone goes to take your picture and says, “Smile!” and then you smile with your mouth closed, and then they say, “No, really smile!” and then you smile with teeth and they scream, drop the camera, run away, and jump into a pool of lava.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’ve gotten a lot of free cameras that way. The jacked-up grill is not without its merits.

Besides all the free cameras, the jacked-up grill is useful for any number of things, ranging from receiving genuine sympathy while panhandling outside of ZZ Top concerts all the way to winning the spokesmodel category every year at the plutonium-enrichment factory’s “Employee Star Search”.

Heck, people give me a hell of a lot more credit than I deserve for my jug band, especially considering I’ve never been in one.  Any time I jump a freight train to the hills with my carny friends and pick up a banjo made of a bedpan tied to a broomstick, at least half of the contestants drop out of the Hobo Skills Challenge on the spot.


Not everyone has that kind of privilege, I know.  I’m sure that both the completely toothless AND Sloth from The Goonies see my teeth as a thing to aspire to.  I’m not ungrateful.

So!  It is with great longwindedness that I tell you I’m finally getting them fixed, or as I refer to it when I’m feeling emo and perimenopausal, “Killing my entire identity.”

I’m getting Invisalign this week.  My orthodontist said that either traditional braces or Invisalign would give me the same results (at the same price and duration) given my particular situation, so my vanity went with the option that won’t make me look like a nerd.  My apologies if you have traditional braces, as I do not mean to offend any of you nerds.

I’ve researched this for a long time and have already signed the contract, so please refrain from nay-saying this decision, unless you fear you may die if you don’t say something.  Let’s keep the horror stories to a minimum for the sake of my insomnia.  It won’t do me any good to hear about that time Invisalign dumped you for your best friend and the two of them ran off and became a successful country music duo leaving you with nothing but an empty trailer and a half-empty bottle of Southern Comfort in which to drown your sorrows.  Unless you’ve already put it to music.

The good news is that I’ll be writing about my experience with Invisalign from time to time to let you know how it’s going – and you know I’ll be giving you the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Obviously this is not a paid endorsement situation, as who the hell would pay me to review anything, so I will absolutely tell you if it’s great, if it sucks, or if the trays migrate up into my brain and wipe out all of my tween memories of reading The Babysitters Club while listening to Roxette.

You can really tell who the weirdos are by whether they see the title of this post as being related to The Lion King due to the first word, or related to that other movie due to the second word.

You weirdo, weirdo, weirdos.

23 thoughts on “Hakuna-Dentata

      1. My finger braces were miserable the first weeks too – takes some time for the tissue to adjust to pressure there and build up a tolerance or callus. Hope it goes well for you! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m really excited for it! I get my molds taken tomorrow, but then I think it’s supposed to take a few weeks for the initial trays to arrive. In the meantime, I’m eating all the crunchy foods I can. 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Seriously I wanted braces ever since MARCIA MARCIA MARCIA got hers on the Brady Bunch. I would unfold paperclips and then shape them like the wire on a retainer so I could wear the enamel right off my teeth whilst pretending to have braces because I THOUGHT THEY WERE COOL AF.
    Unfortunately for me I had straight teeth right up until my 20s and the wisdom teeth gave me a crooked top tooth.
    On the other hand, both my kids AND my youngest sister had Shark Teeth which means their permanent teeth grew in BEHIND their baby teeth without pushing them out so that, naturally, was an endless source of amusement for me and torment for them.
    It’s all a matter of perspective.
    And PS if I was going to get braces nowadays I would totes get the Invisalign because I THINK THEY ARE COOL AF.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I knew a kid who had shark teeth and I found it endlessly fascinating. If I had them I would just stand in the mirror and yell, “Jump! Juuuuuump!” at those freeloading baby teeth.


  2. OMG,NO! Don’t do it! I know this guy, you see, and he….
    Just kidding! I don’t know, there’s something about that retro 50s look of the front end of a Chevy that is kind of cool, but kind of blinding when someone talks to you. I think you made a good choice.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It helps that friends know how whiny I am when I was discussing the options with them and they said, “You will NOT be happy in regular braces,” with an urgency that suggested our very friendship hung in the balance.


  3. I was lucky enough to not need braces. Just a retainer. Our kids got Coach’s side teeth. Guess how pricey it is to put 6 kids in braces. I try not to think about it. I think you’ve made a good choice. Hope you get the smile you deserve!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. You know what Maggie, those things really do work. I had conventional “nerdy” braces when I was growing up, a total pain in the ass. Then as an adult I had to get these Invisilaines for my bottom teeth because, well I didn’t use my retainer when I should have. I used it when they first came out about four years ago I think, and it straightened what I needed straightening on the bottom. AND no one can see them, which is awesome. Thank god I only needed the bottom ones. I wouldn’t go back to regular braces, not at this age for anything. You will be pleasantly surprised I think. Good Luck!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That is SO good to know! I’m such a worrier, I’ve imagined the most ridiculous things happening, like they have to pull all my teeth out or that I’ll end up looking like Mike Tyson. I had the digital molds taken this morning and it never stops being amusing that I’m the oldest patient in the office by 30 years! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I was telling my best friend that I should start entertaining myself in the office by scaring the crap out of all the kids there. “I overheard your parents saying that if you lose your retainer one more time, they’re taking you to the orphanage, Greyson. They had brochures and everything.”

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Lmao, that would be hilarious! Do it! You could then write an entire article about that, or instructions on how to scare kids at the dentist. As if going there to actually “see” the dentist isn’t scary enough! DO IT!

        Liked by 2 people

  5. You hilarious wierdo! And perimena-postal, as my husband called it, barely surviving my bite to his shoulder. Maybe invisalign will increase safety and reduce cursing in your household. Good luck!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Do you just wear them at night or all the time? I hope they’re not too painful, but I’m sure you’ll be happy with the end result–and we get to hear all about it, which is the added bonus:-)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re supposed to wear them 22 hours a day, basically just take them out to eat. A lot of people say there’s an Invisalign diet that happens where you just don’t eat as often because it’s so annoying to have to take them out, eat, brush your teeth, and then put them back in, so I’m hoping to take about 10 pounds off. 😉


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