News You Can Booze

Rather than bore the hell out of you with my usual ramblings, I’ve decided to bore the hell out of you with some news!  I’m going to deliver this news in list format, because that’s the laziest, cheapest way to write anything, and yes I’m looking at you, Buzzfeed.

Stupid lists.  So here’s my list!

One:  My memoir/essay collection manuscript “Dirtbag Lights” has been selected as a semifinalist for the 2019 Pamet River Prize. It’s given out once a year by YesYes Books, an indie publisher in Portland, Oregon.  Yes, I nearly fell to pieces crying when I got the notification and woke Bobby up from a dead-sleep at 5:30 in the morning to tell him.  No, I do not know where the Pamet River is.  In the unlikely event that this publisher loses their mind, chugs a bottle of Fabuloso, and declares me the winner (to be announced in September 2019), the prize is publication of the book, a satchel of money, and a buttload of “hyperventilating” and whatnot.

Two:  I have been asked to sing harmonies and play hand-percussion for a friend’s band next month. On a stage at a club downtown.  In front of people.  After not having stepped foot on a stage in nearly eight years after the ohmygod nuclear implosion of my former band, I feel compelled to tell you that the stage fright associated with going back up there does not make me want to bite my fingernails at all.  Not at all!  It makes me want to set my hands on fire, eat them, and then vomit up fingers like a Roman candle filled with flaming Vienna sausages until I die.  Which is why I enthusiastically said yes and will be climbing up on that stage at 43 years of age and wondering how the hell my life is my life.  Fair warning – I will need to be 80% hammered to do this.

Three:  I need to lose ten pounds before I get on that stage or else be faced with watching the videos later in horror as my tattooed bingo-wings flap about the screen, which means I will be even angrier than usual for a spell while I do 5am workouts and eat goddamned salads three times a day. There is no need to worry about your own personal safety during this time – unless you live on Earth – in which case you will most certainly be affected by my Wrath of Hangry and should take cover immediately.

Four:  Robert Palmer is very, very underrated as a singer and performer and I ripped off his stage mannerisms for YEARS.  As they say on The Twitter, fight me.

Five:  I’m working on a short film with my friend/drummer/villain-partner-in-crime Jon. It’s about Greg Brady.  Fight me AND Greg Brady.

So lots of stuff happening at the moment.  Lots to do.

Which is precisely why instead of working, I’m going to hit the ‘Publish’ button on this, and then go watch The Golden Girls for the next few hours while I rock back and forth, stare into space, and ruminate about events that I can’t change because they happened in the fifth grade, all the while staving off a panic attack and/or trip to Dunkin Donuts.  You know, self-care.

38 thoughts on “News You Can Booze

  1. So much good news. First- co grays in the award nomination! I shall cross whatever is still physically possible for you.
    Next- if you’re a female Robert Palmer? You’ll rock it! Quit worrying.
    Finally- if you can survive salads 3 times a day without killing anyone? You’re my hero.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh hell yeah. Backup singer is one of my unfulfilled dreams, unless you count church. I hope you win the prize! I’ll be first in line to buy the book, because I’m your biggest fan and a borderline stalker of you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I thought backup singing would be no big deal, and then my friend who’s a music director said, “Are you kidding me? Backup is WAY harder than singing lead!” So now I’m even more nervous!


  3. I always pictured you as a young Linda Ronstadt only more unstable. And yeah, it’s okay to throw up before you go onstage so you can go out there with feigned self-confidence. If you keep moving they won’t see you shaking and wonder about the earth tremors they are feeling. And good luck with the all salad diet, but hey, your public awaits!
    And as Rivergirl say, “co grays!”

    Liked by 1 person

  4. My niece you are a genius and I laugh. But here is one thing that only I can pass on that will save you from the fear of those bingo flap thingies you mentioned: SPANX has arm covers…yes…yes..they do. Get some, then go to Dunkin Donuts and a powdered cake ring for me.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Maggie!!! You are my hero, doing all of those things and still being you, you know with the anxiety, rocking back and forth binging on donuts and Golden Girls! OMG I’m sooooo psyched for you, not psyched in a stalker type way so don’t worry. And YESSS Robert Palmer is underrated as a singer, he’s one of my faves, I mean come on Power Station wouldn’t have been Power Station with just those dudes from Duran-Duran, what was their names again? lol
    Oh who cares, if you are the female version of Robert Palmer you are THE SHIT girl!!! And you can lose the weight if you want to, you just have to want to I mean without killing anyone in the hangry phase of it all!!! Congrats again Maggie!!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. A list in reply:

    1. A big “Hell yes!!” to you! High fives, or fist bumps, or whatever cool kids give each other in a show of congratulations these days. 🙂
    2. I also do not know where the Pamet River is, but they will most certainly choose your memoir as the winner if there is any sense at all in that river of unknown location.
    3. Robert Palmer freakin rocks and anyone who says otherwise can kiss the largest part of my ass.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. I have only recently stumbled on your blog, but you clearly rock and deserve to win that river thing. I thought for a minute that co grays was a saying that I was not hip enough to recognize. Phew! All good things to you. And toss a grapefruit in your diet. I swear by them. Also lots of good workouts. I have been working out twice a day of late and love the outcome . . . my bones are creaking though- I am a tad older than you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for the “co grays”, as the hip kids say nowadays. I started my workouts waaaay too intense the first few days and learned my lesson that I’m not 25 anymore when I could barely move the next few days. Thirty minutes on the bike at a good clip, and thirty minutes of strength training after that. No more plank-jacks for me!


      1. Aww, I know that feeling, lol! Try to enjoy this time in your life! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 You are killin it!

        Liked by 1 person

  8. I had to decide whether congrats or condolences were the proper course here. 🙂
    Self-care DD is way more important than #Hangry so I suggest that.
    If anyone says anything neg about your bingo-wing flaps I will cut them, so there’s that. You’re going to see your ownself through different lenses anyway so I suggest you just DO NOT EVEN WORRY ABOUT IT because you’re going to look and sound fantastic. Also I will fight Greg Brady because he is old now and looks like I could totes take him down. Also ALSO I am #TeamPalmer so I think you’re making the right decision there.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Forgive that I haven’t read through the comments, very unlike me, but I’m eating time that I can’t afford to eat. Hitherto, furthermore, I’m sure I echo everyone above when I say massive congratulations and good luck for all your busy-ness. What a fabulous creative time you are having. Keep doing that! 😊

    Liked by 1 person

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