The Smiting of Wyatt Stupid Face

I wrote a piece about growing up poor and how I exacted revenge on a young man who made fun of me for it.  It’s one of my favorite funny pieces and it’s very near and dear to my cold, steely heart.  I’d been looking for a good home for it for a long time and I didn’t want to trust it with just anyone.

It finally found the perfect home right here on good ol’ page 44: The Smiting of Wyatt Stupid Face

Hand to Mouth is a special edition zine dedicated to writers responding to living in poverty, and is hosted by Kissing Dynamite.  This issue is full of poetry, creative nonfiction (that’s what I do, suckas), and artwork – and you should read it cover to cover and support the heck out of it because they’re good people doing good in the world…

…unlike me, a person who basically works for pizza money and unfettered mirror-time.

This means that you’re a good person if you print it out 10,000 times, wallpaper the entire inside of your house with it, invite me over, I’ll walk in and get freaked out that you’re a stalker, then pepper spray you and kick you in the jimmies with a sensible shoe.

And won’t that be a story to tell at your next court-ordered group therapy session.

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That’s a huge lie.  I will never quit Old Navy.

You can also follow me on Twitter at @romcomdojo.

I ALMOST FORGOT!

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17 thoughts on “The Smiting of Wyatt Stupid Face

  1. I love the title.
    Great article.
    Kmart store brand crayons were so waxy. I have an unopened Crayola carousel on the shelf in my room because I can now. Childhood leaves weird residue.
    Please excuse me. My head itches.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I remember how waxy those Kmart crayons were! You had to press down so hard on them, by the time you finished coloring something your hand would be a useless, warped crab claw.

      Like

  2. Wyatt was definitely properly smote. I’d be happy to stalk you, but it would be easier if I lived within a thousand miles. I could try it on line, but my tech savvy isn’t very savvy, so that might not be effective. I’ll start practicing creepy soon, though.
    I wasn’t as poor as you, but most of my labels said “Sears” on them. Does that make me striving for middle class?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’d say that’s solid middle class. My grandfather worked for Sears his whole life, so Sears always brings up pleasant memories for me. He actually had all these sets of cufflinks given to him by the company that were mini-tools, like tiny rotary saws and belt sanders. Wish I knew where they were now!

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  3. I’m going to frame it, take a picture and send it to you, I’m not a stalker, just a fan said John Hinkley, lol. Great story Maggie, I’m sure Wyatt Stupid Head has been executed or is waiting his turn to fry in some prison somewhere.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. That was a great read. I am embarrassed to admit that it took me a few tries to actually figure out how to download the magazine (I kept looking thru the actual link), but at least that is better than admitting I have shopped in Kmart. I mean, not recently or anything.

    I grew up not being poor, but just being an outcast. Where I lived, we stood out because we didn’t dress in designer clothes like almost everyone else. Izod was big. My folks dressed me in my sisters’ hand me downs and I was a head taller than both sisters. Really, we weren’t poor, but we lived on a budget, so I wore floods and no Izod. I was never cool. The ‘preppies’ as we referred to them – oh they can still make my blood boil if I think about them long enough.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I still harbor much ill-will for the preppies. Much.

      My brother-in-law fixed his lack of Izod shirts by just going ahead and having the Izod alligator logo tattooed on his chest, where it would be if he were wearing the shirt. An innovator is what he is!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I had a very similar childhood and relationship with Kmart. I’ve been wracking my brains to remember the Kmart brand jeans tried to be a Roadrunner knock-off. Was it Duchess? All I know is that my family couldn’t afford designer jeans either. As an adult, I found a pair of Roadrunners in a vintage shop and bought them for 5 bucks. Ironic, now that I could actually afford to pay full price! Fantastic essay!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I remember about ten years back, all the “hip” guys in bands around here were wearing Rustlers, the Kmart boys jeans and spending crazy money for vintage pairs on eBay. They were like denim cardboard!

      Liked by 1 person

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