I’ve decided to start a regular-ish thing called “Mz. Mannerz.” It will feature exciting content about how we can all be less of a jerkass in our daily lives. Dissenting opinions will be printed out, put through a shredder, and used to line the cage of an angry rabbit that I have not yet acquired named “Dr. Stabbers”. This is a dictatorship and will be governed accordingly.
Here’s the first installment! Try to control yourself.
So there’s this person I don’t like. He is my current Nemesis (I keep a rotating cast of enemies a la Nixon). What he did to gain that ranking isn’t important, just know that he totally sucks and is completely outer limits rude and disrespectful, and if you had the misfortune of ever meeting him in person, I have zero doubt that you would agree that he is a universal double turdburger with cheese.
The thing that drives me the most insane about Nemesis, is that even though we do not get along AT ALL, he feels the need to barge up to me any time he sees me at a restaurant, a concert, even just walking down the street, to wave frantically and say hello to me.
And touch me.
Did I mention the touching?
I have watched in slow-motion horror as he’s sprinted across a city block to flag me down and touch me.
Ohh well, you see, even though I have instructed Nemesis on no less than five occasions, in no uncertain terms and with a look of death on my very married face, that he is NOT to touch me, there he is. Touching me. You would think that my glaring at his hand and through gritted teeth saying, “Do NOT touch me.” would do it, but nope! Apparently, Nemesis feels completely entitled to touch me even though I could not be more clear that it is not okay to touch me. WHO DOES THAT?
Also? I am not “ha-ha don’t touch me” laughing when I say this to Nemesis. There are no mixed signals here. I am openly hostile to him. When he approaches me, I take this particular stance. NOT THAT HE CARES.
This is to say, Nemesis is very aware that I don’t like him. The feeling is mutual – I can assure you he doesn’t like me, either. Yet there I am, trying to run twenty rows back at the movie theater, hoping that he won’t see me when I realize he’s sitting in the fifth row.
Oh, he’ll see me. He ALWAYS sees me.
Sometimes he yells out my name from across the street and I pretend I don’t hear him. That’s when he starts sprinting towards me.
Can’t we just pretend that we don’t see each other??
So here’s the thing. Nemesis is certainly not the first person who has done this to me, and I’m sure you’ve probably had plenty of people do it to you, too. The person you can’t stand – who knows you can’t stand them – who can’t ever see you out in public and just LET IT GO.
It’s like every ex who feels the need to come up to you and say hello every.single.time they see you in public, even though your relationship was a flaming napalm toilet of shame that ended with you smashing the original tapes of his early recordings with a hammer on your back porch after you found out he never stopped cheating on you from the first day you started dating until the last, routinely stole money from your purse, and went to Ireland for a month and came back with a permanent Irish accent and started calling french fries “chips” even though he was from Colorado.
Oh man, did that guy have it coming. Trust me. This was the same guy who gave me a secondhand rock for Christmas.
“Well, I saw you from the other side of the club…”
Then stay on that side of the club!
Now you’ve just made it awkward for both of us! Yes, I saw you when I came in, and I am totally okay with neither of us acknowledging each other’s existence. I am so, so 100% willing to pretend I didn’t see you. I am so, so 100% okay with you pretending you didn’t see me. Let’s pretend to not see each other together!
“I figured we could act like adults and at least say hello when we see each other.”
No thanks! I’d really, really, mega prefer that we behave like pissy teenagers who pretend the other person no longer exists! I’m fine with that. Please, by all means, let’s not act like adults! Acting like adults is highly overrated!
So! To summarize:
- Don’t ever, ever touch anyone who has told you that it’s not okay to touch them.
- If you’re not actually friends with someone, feel free to just leave them alone when you see them enjoying a nice dinner out.
- Just because you dated someone ten years ago doesn’t mean you have to chase them down to say hello, especially if the reason your relationship ended was because you were a nuclear asshole. Let it go and let that other person live their goddamned life.
Sincerely,
Mz. Mannerz
Can you pull out a knife or something as you snarl? That might be effective.
I can’t say this has happened to me as an adult. Sure, when I was a little kid old ladies who I didn’t know would come up and pinch my cheeks and my stepmother thought it was cute. I was so young I didn’t have the wherewithal to trip them afterwards because I was a “polite” kid.
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That used to drive me nuts when I was kid. The forced physical interactions pissed me off to no end. I’m happy to see that so many of my friends with kids make a point of not making their kids hug people or kiss people when they clearly don’t want to!
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😂😂😂😂😂😂 I love this!
You’re such an excellent humor writer. Always have me laughing throughout your entire piece, despite the gravity of the issues.
Looking forward to Mz. Mannerz Part Deux.
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Thanks! And Mz. Mannerz thanks you, too! 😁 There is definitely more to come.
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Dear Mz. Mannerz,
So it’s safe to say that public humiliation of said nemisis/enemy would/might deter them from the “touchy, feely, sticky, fake, lets pretend we’re friends” shit? I’m on the verge of this very episode and I’m thinking this will do the trick. What do you think?
Sincerly/cordially,
Your Big Fan,
The Huntress
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I figured the fourth time, when I told him in front of a large group of people that it was not okay for him to touch me, that that would do it, but nope. He looked embarrassed too, so I figured that would be the end of it. Until a month later when he chased me down and touched me again.
I’m getting a flamethrower.
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Flame thrower? Maybe something a bit more subtle, especially for this guy. Oh I don’t know like…..the highest voltage stun gun you can find? What a sight that would be, dude writhing around on the ground looking at you with dead eyes wondering what the fuck just happened as he splashes in the puddle he just made by pissing his pants as you laugh the Ladies of Hades evil laugh…..just sayin’
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This is a solid recommendation that I will take under careful consideration!
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P.S. Love the rock of love story!
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Thanks!! That was a fun one to write. 🙂
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This is terrific. Irish accent and chips–ha!
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He said it in front of one my British friends one time and my British friend said, “What did you just call them? Aren’t you from the US?” It was glorious.
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#1. Are you sure your nemesis doesn’t like you? There seems to be an awful lot of touching going on for someone who doesn’t like you….
#2. Love the self portrait.
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#1. I thought it was maybe that at first, but I think he’s doing it specifically because he knows it bothers me. He’s twice my size and I’m sure he probably enjoys the fact that I can’t physically stop him.
Nemesis. He is the literal worst!
#2. My whiskers photograph well. It’s a gift.
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#1. If that’s the case, I think a discreet purse size taser is the only solution. Get the blush pink one… it’s a hot color this season.
#2. It’s a blessing to be so photogenic.
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Pepper spray dear, does wonders for a pesky nemesis ♥️💁🏻♀️
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I love it! 🤣🤣🤣🤣
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Is he stalking you? How does he manage to be in the same place as you all the time? Creepy! On another note, my brother is always telling my 8 year old nephew to give me a hug etc., but I make a point of asking him if he wants to. If he says No, I say no problem (I bring him presents so the answer is usually yes though).
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Nah, no stalking, just annoying the living hell out of me. We live within a couple miles of each other, so the movie and restaurant run-ins happen about as often as with anybody else I know in the area.
That’s really awesome that you do that with your nephew! I think it’s so important for kids to feel like they have body autonomy.
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Teaching them about consent early is so important!
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I’m with you. If I dislike someone I don’t want to pretend I do, and I don’t want them trying to cozy up to me.
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What kind of monster goes up to recognised people in public when you’re not actually friends? I’m sold. You’re Nemesis is the worst.
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Your support is greatly appreciated. 😁 I’m considering just putting on a gorilla mask when he comes around and chasing him down the street.
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I vote for doing that.
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