Are You There, Sog?  It’s Me, Margaret.

I was getting a gel manicure the other day because I’m a fancy lady who’s got what it takes and knows how to use it, and the nail technician and I were chatting it up and getting along great…

…riiight up until she said the worst thing I’ve ever heard in my entire life.

And please bear in mind I have actually heard the sound of my own body being hit by a Cadillac Fleetwood at high speed.

“The french fries at Burger Fi are gross.  I only like fries that are soggy.”

I couldn’t tell you what the remainder of our conversation was about, or if she was still sitting across from me after that and hadn’t been replaced by a Teddy Ruxpin, or if I was still alive in the “alive” sense of the word and hadn’t slipped into some kind of parallel universe in The Expanse, because a hive of bees immediately took up residence in my brain, swarming electric with repeated stings of:

“I only like fries that are soggy.”

“I only like fries that are soggy.”

“I only like fries that are soggy.”

Who the Yoda-Hoda-Frickin-Kotb likes soggy fries??!  What is that?!  What are you – some carnival sideshow act who’s still hooked up to the placenta?!  Raised in a shack in 1890 where actual dirt-clod mud pies were the cuisine de rigueur?!

And YES I had to look up the spelling of de rigueur!  What of it?  I don’t speak French!  I speak either (i) English, or (ii) “I’ll have the bistec de pollo empanizado.”

Because I live in Florida and CUBAN FOOD.

If you like your fries soggy and feel the need to besmirch respectable eating establishments’ reputations over it, then you need to just stop.  You’re sullying up french fry reviews with your wildly inaccurate, ill-informed and, quite frankly, self-involved one-star ratings.  Go find somewhere that serves boiled potato planks and give them your five-star review, you weirdo nut-job freak-show scrabble butt-cake.

There is only one reason you don’t like Burger Fi’s fries and it’s because you don’t like fries that are properly cooked.  That’s not on Burger Fi.  That’s on you!

Well, everyone is entitled to their personal preferences…

NO THEY’RE NOT.  YOUR SOGGY FRENCH FRY PREFERENCE IS OBJECTIVELY WRONG.

20190308_164132

Let’s look at the examples provided below for comparison on how hideously, horrendously wrong you are about this.  Please, by all means, feel free to argue with me – and I will shut you down like a DDT factory in 1972, take you down like Christmas lights in January, and bury you like all of my repressed emotions since birth.

“I didn’t like this pizza because it was hot and the cheese was melted.  I only like pizza that’s cold and has frozen shreds of mozzarella stuck to the pizza sauce like Ed Begley Jr’s facial hair stuck to an Elmo doll.  “Best Pizza”?  More like “Worst Worzza”!  One star!  I won’t be returning!”

“I really prefer for my chocolate chip cookies to be smashed and burned black beyond recognition, and was instead served some sort of golden brown disc-shaped thing with visible melted chocolate pieces in it!  Gross!  One star, Mrs. Fields Cookies!”

“A sedan with four doors?  Why don’t you stick it up your flying buttress, Toyota!  I prefer for my sedans to be motorcycles with a ventriloquist dummy in the sidecar that looks like Maurice from the 90s sleeper hit television show “Northern Exposure”!  I’ve got a thing for old men in bomber jackets, Toyota, and I would think that you, of all companies, would know that!  ONE STAR!  I WISH I COULD GIVE ZERO STARS!”

I swear to god if I have to start doing my own nails to avoid this existential crisis from ever happening again, I will make you soggy fry-eaters pay.  I can’t even look at my beautiful glittery gel manicure right now without wanting to just burn the whole world down.

Which would be a real shame because I like my world SOGGY.

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“…a complete…and total…barf-o-rama.” – Gordie Lachance, “Stand By Me”

36 thoughts on “Are You There, Sog?  It’s Me, Margaret.

  1. First of all, you live in FL too? Where? I’m in Broward County.
    Burger fi — I cant bother with the fries cause I love the onion rings. Have you tried those?!?! They are huge, like bangle bracelets, and super crispy. Soggy fries huh? That’s just weird. She can have mine.
    I haven’t thought of teddy ruxpin in aaaaages… that made me smile 😃

    Liked by 1 person

  2. There’s only one possible solution to this problem.
    Find yourself another nail tech immediately. No one should have to put up with that kind of negativity… ever.
    Soggy fries? Good God, what’s the world coming to?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m nowhere near a Burger Fi, so have no comparison, but I’ll cut a bitch to get to fries from Five Guys. Used to be the fries from Smashburger, but they up and left my area in the dead of night so I can’t get my hands on the perfection that is their smash-fries.
    Dare I ask your opinion of the NYC vs Chicago pizza debate? (There is only one correct answer, and it’s NOT the pizza you can fold in half). 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re in luck! Five Guys fries are very similar!

      I like Chicago and NY style, but my brain thinks of them as two entirely different things, so I couldn’t choose one over the other. Sometimes a NY slice is just what I want, sometimes Chicago is the only thing that will do! I did recently try New Haven style and enjoyed that a lot – but in a different way from other pizzas.

      Now I just want pizza.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thin crust, but not floppy. More like a cracker kind of crust. It’s better than it sounds! I wouldn’t want it all the time, but it’s a nice change-up every now and then.

        My husband gets it true New Haven style with clams and lemon wedges on it, but you couldn’t pay me to eat that. Meatball and garlic or no thanks!

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I hope for a tip you wrote “loving soggy fries is unamerican and the stuff for which God uses his lightening bolts to strike people down for.”

    Side note. I like soggy fries. Fuck. Their goes our budding friendship that I made up completely in my head.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. No. I’m just enlightened in my ways. I believe in giving all creatures a chance. I prefer a solidly crispy fry. But I judge not those that decide the extra effort to stand at attention isn’t for them. I understand their struggle. Give them an extra dose of salt and ketchup and salute their right to be oily mashed potatoes.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m going to have to agree with everyone here, who in f**k loves soggy fries? Or food that’s meant to be crispy, soggy? That’s just going against the laws of nature for Pete’s sake! I hope you didn’t tip the manicurist and if you did I’m hoping it was the kind of tip you do to cows, pushing them over when they’re not looking. As for fries, here in El Paso there’s a local place called Blake’s Lot-a-Burger that has bangle size onion rings and probs the crispiest fries on this side of Texas. So crisp, you could use it as a “manicurist shank” if you know what I mean? Lol

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Now I’m just picturing saying, “Here’s a tip for you,” and then knocking her to the ground and running away. Then you can throw an order of crispy fries tied to a brick through the window. Ladies of Hades teamwork!

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Good god, woman, you make me laugh so hard! But I hate to tell you that one of the pinnacles of Canadian cuisine is poutine–fries smothered in cheese and gravy, which makes them…oh, a little soggy. Delicious but definitely damp:-)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I love poutine – but only when served right away so that the fries still have some crispy integrity. Of course, then I will also eat almost any food that is smothered in cheese and gravy, so that helps.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Pull up a chair. French Fries (or ‘Chips’ to use formal British), are my specialist subject. The constitution of a chip may ONLY be soggy in nature for one of two reasons.
    a) They have been drowned to within an inch of their life in vinegar.
    b) You are eating them on a beach and it’s raining. A common holiday experience here in the British Isles.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m a fan of the malt vinegar! I do have to put it on in steps, though, to keep the sogginess to a minimum. This is making me so hungry, I’m so glad I’m going to lunch at my favorite malt vinegar/fry place today.

      And I love the visual of British people eating soggy fries at the beach in the rain. It sounds like such a thoroughly British activity! 😁

      Liked by 1 person

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