I Would Rather Wear Cheese Than Go To Your Scentsy Party

| romcomdojo

I’m not sure there’s a more dreaded situation than someone calling you up and saying, “Hey!  What are you doing this weekend?”

Uggggh.  Even if I’m doing absolutely nothing, with the way you’ve worded the question, you’ve now forced me to answer, “I’m not sure?  I think there was a thing we were doing?  I’ll have to double check and let you know.  Why, what’s up?”

Know why I have to answer that way?  Because I have no way of knowing what kind of nightmare you’re going to try to pull me into with your vague-ass question.  What will it be?!

Let’s roll the dice, shall we?  I shall also provide you with a visual reminder along the way of who I am, just in case you forgot.

You want me to help you move and you live in a five floor walk-up, and when I show up you haven’t even STARTED packing yet?  I’m rolling the dice aaaand…

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You want me to work at your old high school’s band boosters gift wrapping even though I didn’t go to your school and was never in marching band to begin with?  Look, bucko.  I vowed to never return to my own high school after I emotionally limped away from that hellhole twenty-five years ago to nurse my wounds after four years of goddamned torture.  You can imagine my feelings about hanging around yours.

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You want me to come to your Scentsy party, which by the way I am never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever (*please see footnote at the bottom for further reference) coming to?  I would rather put on a scuba suit made of feta cheese and slide down a gigantic cheese grater into the arms of a nude, olive oil-coated Rush Limbaugh marinating in an ocean of balsamic vinegar.

(Don’t ask me, “What is Scentsy?”  Google it and then run for your life.  And for the love of god, my husband and mother-in-law read this blog, let there be no further talk of nude Rush Limbaugh.  In the entire universe.)

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You want me to come over for a “Wedding Video Watch-Party” where you will make everyone spend their Saturday night watching your two-hour long wedding video, and by the way I was actually present at said wedding?  I remember it well.  It just happened a month ago.

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Uh oh.  Someone said the word “wedding” on the interwebz, which is the opposite of pulling the emergency brake.  Here we go.  Make yourself comfortable!

Deep breath:

Besides your wedding, I was also present for the engagement announcement party, the ‘formal’ engagement party, the wedding dress shopping, the friends bridal shower, the family bridal shower, the bridesmaid dress fittings, the dual bachelor and bachelorette parties, the rehearsal dinner, the breakfast with ‘the girls’ before the wedding, the wedding reception, the after-party, the brunch the next morning, the goodbye dinner with your relatives FOR THE LOVE OF GOD ENOUGH WITH YOUR WEDDING THAT I HAVE ALREADY DEVOTED MONTHS AND MONTHS OF MY LIFE TO, NOT TO MENTION LIKE FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS UGGGGGGGH THIS IS WHY I ELOPED.

I can hardly wait until you have a baby so that I’ll have to quit my job in order to attend the “Destination Gender Reveal Party” you have scheduled at 10am on a Tuesday in Indonesia, where you will request that everyone show up in authentic costumes from Alice in Wonderland so we can make handcrafted Lewis Carroll books for your spawn out of sustainably-sourced bamboo paper; the very same party where you will insult everybody by loudly and snottily correcting anyone who doesn’t refer to the book by its proper title of “Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland”.  LIKE IT MATTERS, SHARON.

What?  Of course I can bring the ice sculpture of the Cheshire Cat!  What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t?!

I’ll make you a deal.  If you don’t get mad when I decide to liven things up when you reveal the gender by collapsing into a heap of sobbing tears on the floor, raising both arms to the sky and crying out, “Oh god, why?!!!  WHY?????!!!!!!” then I’ll think about it.

Some of you people get married and have babies and lose ALL TOUCH WITH REALITY.  You can at least let me have some fun with it.

Okay.  I’m over it.  Wedding rant done.  Back to it!

You would like to get together for a nice evening of cocktails and conversation at that fantastic new place we’ve been wanting to try out? I’m rolling the dice…

We’ve got a 7!   7 is a winner!!

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The point is, could be something awesome, could be something I would sell my soul to get out of, but with the way you asked, there’s no way to know until AFTER I’ve already told you my availability, which then means I’ll have no way to get out of it.  Give people an ‘out’ for Maude’s sake!

If you say, “Hey!  What are you doing this weekend?” and I answer, “Oh, nothing!” now I’m on the damn hook.

Now I look like a jerk if I turn you down for the hideous thing you want me to do, and that’s not fair, because there are way, way more interesting reasons that I’m a jerk, and now you’ve just made me look like an ordinary jerk, you bubblegummed bastard!

Interesting jerk behavior includes putting Worcestershire on everything before I even taste it, hating a sports team forever because I didn’t like a star player’s face who’s not even on the team anymore, hiding behind store displays when I hear someone yell my name out in public, and not feeling even remotely bad about blocking children’s views of the otters at the marine center.

< Eyeroll > I like the otters, too, Bryson/Greyson/Flotsam.  You’re not the only one who wants to see them frolicking.  Stop being so selfish, 8-year old!

 

*ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever

37 thoughts on “I Would Rather Wear Cheese Than Go To Your Scentsy Party”

  1. I just found out you are married and now my fantasy that you are my son’s soulmate has been crushed. Other than that catastrophe, FANTASTIC post.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Hahahaha! I feel ya, I hate it when someone calls and asks that particular question. Usually when I sense it’s one of my family members calling (my friends know better, all two of them, lol). I ignore the call and then they text me, which is easier to ignore and later say “Oh? You sent me a text? I didn’t get it.” As for friends with their gender reveal parties, I don’t go to such things. Baby’s and I do NOT go well together, that’s saying a lot since I have three grown ass children. But I had them when I was much younger and more patient. But now I cringe at the sound of a “non-discipline believing parent” whose child is screaming their heads off at the local grocery store because the little bastard isn’t getting the cereal he/she wants. I mean if the parents know that their spoiled ass kid is prone to temper tantrums leave the kid at home… or in the car with the dog….no scratch that take the dog and leave the kid. I mean what the actual FUCK are these people thinking, taking these kids out in public. Like when you want to have a nice dinner at the Olive Garden and the little red headed girl in the booth next to you keeps pulling your hair but you can’t slap her booger covered face because you KNOW you’d go to jail (again). Ugh!! Okay I’m done. The Ladies of Hades weekly meeting has officially begun….hahaha!

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    1. I’m monumentally testy at dealing with children “these days”, so I’m right there with you. After having two kids nearly run me down in Target yesterday while they were running full speed laps in the shoe department, throwing things, and screaming while their mother completely ignored it, I actually started to daydream about how awesome it would feel to trip one of them. I realized I had to leave the shoe department or go to jail.

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      1. Do we go to the same Target!?!?! This happened to me last weekend, same scenario, same department. I had put my purse down (right next to me) to try on a pair of shoes, as this annoying little girl about five or six came right up to me and started rummaging through my purse. Her mom was a couple of feet away and I got up and yelled “Hey! that’s not yours! I pretty much scared her and she ran away and began to cry and her mom gave me a dirty look. I got up and said “Hey lady don’t give me that look, your kid was going through MY purse. Teach her manners or keep her on a leash” The mom pretty much muttered “Bitch” and I looked up at her and said “Damned straight, don’t ever forget it!” As I left the little girl was staring at me and I stuck my tongue out at her and she cried again. Okay, not my best adult moment ever but what the fuck? The kid was going through my purse and the mom was just trying on shoes watching her do it!

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  5. My mind went to “dirty old man” places when you mentioned removing cheese from your person, but then came back to reality to commiserate with your plight. Not being the social butterfly and really busy in my personal life I have been able to refuse invitations fairly easily. If you just keep saying no for a while they will leave you alone, eventually. This can be a mixed blessing so be careful with it. They will just assume you have plans so they will only offer to have you do really awesome things. At least that’s my theory. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. *violently slams “approved” stamp on everything in this post* Also, whenever someone gives me that opened ended question: “What are you doing this weekend?”, I just respond with “Just tell me what you want and I’ll tell you if I have the patience for it.” I don’t get asked to do a lot anymore…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This is an excellent method to add to my excuse arsenal, which seems to be expanding by the day now that I’m in my 40s. I figure by 50 I’ll just live in a hole and be happy to never come out of it.

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