Let’s Talk About 80s Hair and Your Lie-Brows

I spend an inordinate amount of time wondering what the next 80s hair will be.

I suppose an “inordinate amount” of time on that particular subject would mean that I spend five seconds a day on it, because it’s not something anybody should spend any time thinking about.  I mean, it’s a pretty good use of my time, but only because I’ll do just about anything to avoid having to do actual work.

Isn’t it the most fun to look through old photos from the 80s and say, “I can’t believe everyone teased up their bangs like that!  What were we thinking?!”

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You know this looks good.

We all thought it looked awesome at the time – the bigger the hair, the better!  Nobody ever thought big hair would fall out of fashion, but of course it did.  It’s fashion.  That’s the nature of it.

The 80s hair of the 90s, of course, was the Rachel haircut, the cropped denim vest over the prairie dress, and lug-sole pumps worn with anything.  It was a sassy look if you wanted to look like the mom on Beverly Hills 90210, or Brenda on 90210.  Or Donna.  Or literally any woman on 90210 except for Emily Valentine, who was my personal style icon on that show.

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Emily Valentine = ICON

The 2000s brought us 80s hair in the form of the stupid “trucker hat” that I wanted to knock off of the head of every person I saw wearing one, and lip “plumpers” that felt like someone sprayed pepper spray on your lips, but it was worth it, because then you looked like someone punched you in the mouth, and women’s dating books will tell you that men find “vulnerability” highly desirable in women, and what could look more vulnerable than having recently been punched in the mouth?  Also, by “men”, I mean “gross men”.

The 2010s have brought us “contouring”, where you spend a ton of money on various face powders to make your face look like a cross between Max Headroom and the giant ball thing at Epcot.  That still seems to be a thing, but I feel like its popularity is waning now that people are realizing that faces should look more like a human and less like the computer-animated guys in the Dire Straits “Money For Nothing” video.

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We got to install microwave ovens.  Custom kitchen deliver-ay-ay-ayyy.

I realize this may be an unpopular opinion, and please feel free to disagree with me because, honestly, who really cares, but I believe women’s current eyebrow fashions are today’s 80s hair.

They’re scaring the crap out of me.  Why are they so…harsh?

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Uncle Leo was ahead of his time on the eyebrow thing.

And the more “skilled” the applier, the more harsh the eyebrows become.  Any time someone shows me wedding photos or bachelorette party photos where they had a makeup artist do everyone’s makeup, I have to restrain myself from physically recoiling, yelling, “Shit!” and then driving my car into the ocean.

Granted, as a fair-haired type, I have what can best be described as “no-brows” or “ghost-brows” that I have to fortify with tinted eyebrow gel just so they’ll be semi-visible and I won’t be mistaken for Bob Geldof when he cut his eyebrows off in Pink Floyd’s “The Wall” (which I was forced to sit through by my 25-year-old boyfriend when I was 16 and I HATED EVERY SECOND OF IT because it was SO BORING).

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Still somehow less disturbing than that guy I dated/was the victim of.

Pro Tip:  If you want to entertain your Lolita girlfriend, don’t make her watch your boring, weird, dewd movies that are only suitable for druggies who were alive during the Johnson administration.  What you should do, is make her watch the police take you to jail because you’re a pervert and a criminal because oh my god why are you dating a 16-year-old.

That would have been far, far more satisfying than watching Bob Geldof take off those eyebrows in “The Wall”.

I swear, any time I walk around the makeup store these days, everyone there looks like this:

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You look really…uhh…uhh…virile?

And I don’t get it.

I mean, if you naturally have thick, caterpillar-like, squared-off eyebrows and are happy with it, more power to you.  Frida Kahlo it up.  Rock that shit.  But when you’re going out of your way and spending hundreds of dollars on products with names like “BoyBrow” and having eyebrow hairs glued to your face to look like Captain Caveman on a testosterone replacement regimen, that’s where you lose me.

Your eyebrows are a lie, which would be fine because so is my padded-bra chest, but your eyebrows are a weird lie.  They’re weird, weird lie-brows.  They’re weirding up the joint. They’re freaking me out.  They’re frightening children and small animals and, like Simon Cowell telling the person who has a terrible voice that they can’t sing, somebody needs to tell you:  Ease up on the eyebrows.

And one day, mark my words, you will look back at those eyebrows in photos and say, “What the hell were we thinking?!”

If you disagree, please write your dissenting argument down on a piece of paper, seal it in a jar, and then bury the jar in your backyard as a time capsule.  When you dig it up in twenty years, you’ll be like, “Maggie was right.  100% right.  If only she were alive to see it and hadn’t been shot and killed by Donny Osmond’s personal security team in 2030.”

“Oh my god you’re so judgey!”

Have you met me?

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40 thoughts on “Let’s Talk About 80s Hair and Your Lie-Brows

  1. Oh gawd!! 80’s hair and now the 80’s type “eyebrow thingy”, lol. I work with a couple of women who tend to go off the deep end when it comes to their eyebrows. It’s like scary when I see them walk in and what’s worse one of them comes in devoid of makeup and sits at her desk for 20 mins to do her makeup! I mean come the fuck on, do that shit at home! And I’m like you, even though I’m considered “raven-haired” my eye browns are so sparse and thin I have to enhance them with eyebrow gel too. But I don’t go overboard and do the “chola sharpie eyebrow” that’s just stupid. Thanks for the laugh and life lesson! lmao

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I forgot to mention that I totes agree with you on that film, Pink Floyds the Wall. I had to sit through it too and I fell asleep and my friends were all like “This is art” and shit and I’m like whateves, take me to McDonalds I’m hungry….lol

      Liked by 1 person

    2. People who do their makeup after they get to work enrage me. Do that shit at home! Same goes for eating a bowl of cereal with milk at your desk. Eat before you get here!

      I would make a terrible boss. I would just spend all day firing people.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Yep, I would too. If your too lazy to get up early enough to get ready for work, which includes doing your makeup, then you couldn’t work for me. I mean if I can get up at 5:30am everyday to be at work by 7:30 WITH my makeup already on my face, then the lazy bitch that saunters in at 9am can too….just sayin’

        Liked by 1 person

  2. The most upsetting part of the current mullet (the eyebrows), is that people are getting them micro bladed, which makes them permanent. In 10 years, when this bizarro world brow trend is a thing of yearbook shame, they will STILL HAVE THEM looking all thick and 2018.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for the kind words and the follow! Our 80s household (with three teenage girls) was filled to the brim with Rave #3 hairspray. The crunchy stuff! It smelled like industrial adhesive.

      Like

  3. People are gluing eyebrow hairs to their face? Oh that’s a step too far. I call the current brow trend ‘Crayola Surprise’. Perhaps I’m jealous cos I have no eyebrows. Never felt the need to stick fake ones on though. I got a whole blog post out of contouring. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m so glad it gave you a good laugh! Thanks for the kind words and the follow. Much appreciated! 🙂

      I was in an elevator with a woman earlier today and I nearly got off at the wrong floor because her eyebrows were distracting me that much. I thought two caterpillars had crawled onto her face!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. My sister’s hubby-to-be brought his daughters to Thanksgiving for the first time this year and I could not stop staring. Is that marker? Paint? Insta-brow? Is there a stencil involved? It was…awkward. And definitely scary. Pass the pie.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I am proud to say that I grew out my bangs in 1982 and went through the rest of the ’80s with NO BANGS. I believe it was 1987 when I looked around the mid-high holding pen and remarked to my friends, “Someday we’re gonna look back at these hairstyles and laaaugh,” and they all got mad at me.

    But, after my teenager and his friend bought a 1987 aerobic workout video at Goodwill just for humor value, I was forced to admit that I did in fact own leotards much like those, and I was keeping my bangless hair out of my eyes with colorful scrunchies. Hard to escape fashion entirely.

    Liked by 1 person

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