I was an internet troll.

I didn’t plan on it.  Not unlike breaking into a Wendy’s after hours because you really need to get at that Frosty machine, or rebooting the television show “One Day At a Time”, it was one of those things that just sort of happened.

Related, there is only one “Schneider” and his name is Pat Harrington, Jr.  So anyway…

The year was 2006, and the television show “Rock Star Supernova” had just premiered on CBS.   If you didn’t have the privilege to have ever watched it, Rock Star Supernova was a singing competition-type show, but instead of winning the title of “American Idol”, you got to become the lead singer of a made-up band called “Rock Star Supernova”, which was a supergroup that featured Tommy Lee from Motley Crue, Jason Newsted from Metallica, and Gilby Clarke from Guns ‘n Roses.

Now, this would have all been just fine because whatever, except that they also made these guys the judges, and there were two things they all liked to do:

  1.  Compliment the dewd singers on things like their voices and stage presence.
  2.  Compliment the lady singers on things like whether or not looking at them gave them a boner.

Tommy Lee had one thing in particular that he liked to do in addition to those two items:

  1.  Use the phrase “Off the chain!” more times than I thought I would ever be able to emotionally and mentally withstand.

And even that may have been fine in 2006, except they made one crucial error, in my opinion.  One un-fixable error.  They made Dave Navarro from Jane’s Addiction/Red Hot Chili Peppers the host.

I think Dave Navarro is, what’s the term?  Grody to the max.  Super ew?  Whatever the word is that comes to mind when you have to reach down into the drain of your sink and pull out some hair and you’re pulling the loose hairs up and they’re all slimy.  That.

Disclosure:  I don’t know him.  Never met him.  I have no business registering an opinion on the man.  As most people will tell you with regard to most subjects, I should probably just shut up.  My feelings about him have no place in reality, I know.

Here’s my issue:  He just does the whole “rock star look” to the point that it makes me want to run screaming into the arms of rap-country just to get as far away from rock ‘n roll as possible.  Rap-country.

Rap-country.

Every episode of the TV show he was nearly-shirtless, in that while he technically had a shirt on, it was unbuttoned to his pubic bone, with some form of leathery pants, slicked wet-look hair, eyeliner, some kind of scarf or feather boa, had on tons of huge rings, and then the necklaces.

My god, the necklaces.

So many necklaces.

He looked like what would happen if they held the Mardi Gras parade inside a Hot Topic and made you exit through a car wash of Astro-Glide.

And maybe this look was fine, and even something I was thoroughly, thoroughly into when I was 16 years old, but by the time I was 30 and had dated more of those types than I care to think about, so the thrill was gone.   By the time I hit 30, I thought that particular look on a man was the equivalent of flying a flag on top of their heads that read, “This Guy Has The Clap and Don’t Even Get Me Started on His Ego, Which Also Has The Clap”.

In order to adequately address my feelings on the subject, I started trolling the comment board on the TV show’s website.  Like any troll, I did it because I had a lot of free time on my hands, and my personal life was fucking miserable in every conceivable way, so I took it out on people who had nothing to do with my problems.  It was a dick move.

For reference, this was also around the time I used to start fake Myspace flame wars between several accounts that I actually controlled, to make it look like people were fighting when it was actually just me working both profiles.  This was when I ran an advice column as a fake nurse who was into BDSM just so I could make fun of other bands.  I used to hate-listen to Rush Limbaugh on the radio during my lunch break so I could yell at the radio while wagging a Burger King bacon double cheeseburger at it, and then blog about in open letters to him.  This is pre-therapy Maggie we’re talking about here.  Pre-Bobby Maggie.  Asshole Maggie.

Don’t be a smart-ass.  Yes, there is a difference.

I started by going onto the comment board for the show and posting a thread titled, “Dave Navarro Needs to Put On a Shirt”.  As you can imagine, this comment board was filled with people who were actual fans of the show, rather than me, who watched it merely so I could hate it.  Most of the responses to that thread were along the lines of, “Are you crazy?!  He needs to take that shirt all the way off!  He’s hot!!!” and then I would comment something back like, “What he needs to do is set up a termite tent around his body so he can fumigate whatever is surely living in his crotch.”

I found my way into as many threads as I could just so I could act like a dick to total strangers.  I made it my job to make fun of people for liking the things that they liked and, as an asshole, it made me feel better.  This is the very definition of an internet troll, by the way.  Did I mention that it was a dick move?  It was a dick move.  I feel really bad about it.

I kept posting threads, and making fun of everyone on there, until one day when a commenter flat out asked something to the effect of, “What is wrong with you?  Why do you spend so much time commenting on here if you don’t even like the show?”

Hmm.

It was a real wake-up call for me.  Why was I spending all my free time coming up with newer and better ways to be mean to people who I didn’t even know?  What was wrong with me?  I stopped commenting on the board that day, and stopped hate-watching the show.  I didn’t want to be that person anymore.

So maybe there is hope that you can say just the right combination of words to a troll to make them go away.  Maybe?  Hell, this was 12 years ago.  Trolls have only gotten stronger.  You probably have to pull some of that magic powder out from Weekend at Bernie’s 2 if you want to stand a chance against them.

That being said, it was with great pleasure that I read the part in Bobbi Brown’s memoir “Dirty Rocker Boys” where she basically described her first meeting with Dave Navarro as him answering the door completely naked, telling her he was having sex with a fan in his basement and filming it, and then he sat her down in his living room and told her to wait for him until he was finished.  Before he left the room he said, “Oh, hang on,” and put on a videotape for her to watch.  The videotape was of him wanking it.

So.  Internet trolling?  Wrong.  My opinion on Dave Navarro.  COMPLETELY ACCURATE.

One thought on “I was an internet troll.

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